Gay Ho !!!

Mandatory disclaimer : My closet contains, at its best, garments... and at its worst, a few skeletons.
The title, however, is the tagline for India's Rainbow Parade, witness this.

When my guy friends come to know that I'm an alumuns of an all girl's medical college, the first question they ask is , "Was there any ahem happening there?"
My response : How long have you had that laryngitis? (I stopped saying sore throat, because our friendly LTMGH perv, Russell made that sound dirty).
"No, no, Parvati. What I mean is was there any.... y'know...amongst the girls"
"Yes, yes."
"Really!!! Give us the deets"
"We used to stay up all night..."
" And, and.... "
"Talk. What did you think?"
"Aaaarghhhh !!!"


When I started medicine, relatives were patting Mum on the back, congratulating her on her master stroke of keeping me away from the guys, especially given the urban legends about medical college love affaires. Little did they know, I just chose the medical college closest to home.
Mum, though, had more important things on her mind.
After making sure I was settled in the hostel, pat came the usual list of homilies :" No staying out late. "Yes, Mummy" "No partying". Yea, Mum. "Study hard." "Salaam Memsahib" ..... blah, blah.... "Heard all this before, Mum." No getting involved with boys." I raised an eyebrow. "In a girl's college, Mum?"
She walked off, only to march back, wagging her finger for extra emphasis. "..... or girls!!! "
Trust Mum to come up with a Parthian shot that'd leave me floored. Thank God, Dad was around to stop her from launching into yet another lecture.

The passage of four years put paid to her doubts except for one sticky scene in the second year :
My friends had been raving so much about 40 Days and 40 Nights that I borrowed the darn CD.. The first one refused to work, so I inserted the second one.....
The screen flickered and then filled up with girl-on-girl Frenching... just when Mum walked into the room.
"I KNEW I shouldn't have sent you to a girls' college", she deadpanned. The scars left by that episode have rendered me unable to watch that movie.
Of course, she who laughs last, laughs longest. I'm still in splits over the fact that this year's Gay Pride Day in Mumbai was on July 5, Mum's birthday.


A few years have passed and I guess I'm comfortable enough in my own skin to joke aboout my orientation.

Episode 1 : Amaraja had just straightened her frizzy hair and looked gorgeous. Omkar, displaying his nuttier side, literally went down on one knee and asked her to go out with him. A few hours later, armed with this information, I did the same, sans bended knee. Poor Amar... I thought she'd have an apopleptic attack in the middle of the Burns ward.

Episode 2 : Anumeha, the legal eagle wants to move out of home.
Meha : Woman, why don't you take up a job or a degree in another city?
Moi : Been there, got that T-shirt. It's a regular headache having to deal with the routine stuff... even though I was in a hostel.
Meha : Never fear, I'm here.
Moi : I'm warning you, we doctors are too poor to employ housekeepers.
Meha : Dammit, woman. I need you for respectability. If I say I'm moving in with you, the parents would give the nod to ME leaving the nest
Moi : You want to live with me in sin. Sniff, sniff. I feel so used.
Meha : Naaah... I'm willing to make an honest woman out of you.
Moi : Yea sure, Sec 377 has been decriminalized now. But we need to move to Delhi to make it legal.
Meha : Das Kapital's good for me. Will it be good for you?
Moi : And we don't even need men now.
Evil laugh
Did you read this?
As Mrs Daniels* said (with an expressive wiggle of her eyebrows), now we're keeping the guys around just for entertainment.
Meha : Aha!!! The lady is a rock star.
Moi : World domination by women!!! Who's the weaker sex now? Bwahahahahaha
*High school Bio teacher

Episode 3 : Plans for a stay over before the four of us scatter all over the world.
P, of course, wants meat on the menu.
Me : I can manage the French, though I'm warning you, it'll be too bland for your palate.
P : Alright, what else?
Me : I can do Thai.
P : Any other body parts you can "do"?
Me : Hrútspungar okay with you?
P : Wow!!! Really?
Me : No Einstein... But I can do breast
P (laughing exasperatedly) : Eeeeew!!!
Me : Dontcha worry !!! It's legal in twenty-eight states and seven union territories now.

On a more serious note, I've found the arguments against the decriminalization of Sec 377 rather absurd.
For those who say that it is unnatural, take this and that.Also, I don't quite understand the attitude that decries homosexuality saying that it goes against Bharatiya sanskriti. Indian culture accepts sensuality in all its myriad forms : Kamasutra, the temple walls of Khajuraho, the wheels of the Sun Temple and so on and so forth. In my opinion, this sort of prudishness is a byproduct of subsequent foreign rule ; kinda makes sense given that this outdated law was a remnant of the British Penal Code.

But hey, for those of you who are unsure or a leetil disorientated, here's an old wives' (Pun intended) tale to fine tune your gaydar :
A grand, old, Malayali matriarch was quite displeased with a boorish, young neighbour.
"There's something queer about that boy... I think he's a homo", she stated baldly, thus venting her displeasure.
" A whaaaaat? Why?", her grand daughter asked. She had no idea that her Ammuma was quite that aware.
"A homo", she affirmed. "He doesn't have a moustache", by way of explanation.
Her septuagenarian husband stroked his clean shaven visage "Does that mean I'm a homo?", he queried in wonder.
"Don't take things that far" , she dismissed. "You're too old for that".
Moral of the story : There is ALWAYS an escape clause.
Some things are just in the mt-DNA.

Liff As I Know It!